Today I had an appointment with a new physician. I don't want to get into details, because believe it or not, I do like some privacy. Let's just say, ladies, DON'T put off your lady bits appointments! As much as they suck, getting them done on schedule can help and save you from more pain and problems in the future.
I digress. So in speaking to the new physician I was trying to explain to him why I quit seeing his colleague, two years ago. He was trying to push me into a temporary and possibly harmful procedure, that I wasn't ready for. I wanted something of more permanence, and he wouldn't hear of it.
The new doctor said, "But why? You're young and only have ONE child." Both true. "My son is autistic," I replied. "I'm done. We're done. I can't handle another child."
He looked at me like I was a leper. Clearly, I wasn't conveying how I really feel. I was so nervous, and half naked. Clear thoughts were NOT forming. "I mean, it's not fair to him. I'm done. He needs me all to himself," I croaked. He looked away and asked me something else. I can't even tell you what it was. Or if I even answered him.
I felt like a GINORMOUS a$$hole! I assure you I'm not. If you KNOW me, if you FOLLOW our journey, you know my son is my LIFE. My miracle. My heart. My soul. But this stranger doesn't know that. He probably thinks I'm a bitter mother, that doesn't accept my son for the truly unique individual he is.
If I could say anything to this man, I would say, "I came off as an a$$ today. I was scared, and nervous, and I'm socially awkward. My hubby and I have talked siblings for my son for years, but we both agreed that giving Liam our one on one attention was the best choice. For him. For us. Please don't judge me from our initial conversation. I promise, I'm not a douche bag! I'm a devoted mother and aggressive advocate for autistic rights. I just don't want any more children. It's not in our cards."
Do you think he would believe me?
Gosh I feel like an idiot! This is why I don't adult so well!