Monday, September 28, 2015

Do You Wish You Never Had Him?

     I was recently asked by someone, "Don't you sometimes wish you NEVER had him?" 

    The question wasn't meant offensively, and I paused a moment, letting those words sink in. I didn't pause because I had to ponder my answer. I paused because I think I was just shocked at the question. I am not judging the person that posed the question. Yes, it is a very harsh question. But it was an honest question, and I have no issues with speaking honestly, and candidly about our journey.

  "No," I replied. "Be honest," she said. "Honestly, no I don't. I hate Bipolar disorder. I hate when it makes him depressive. That, I wish we didn't have to deal with," I replied. 

    That is the God's honest truth. Even if someone waged this question at me on an awful day, that would STILL be my answer.

    Here's OUR truth. He has BAD days. Days where I think to myself, "I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if HE can do this."  Days, weeks, where we can't leave the house, because he is in such a deep depressive cycle, he can't stop crying, screaming, or stimming. Days where he begs me to make it stop. Days where he begs his brain "to leave him alone." Days where I won't contact my family, or react with followers on my page, because I can't leave him alone, and because I can't stand the thought of talking with people and trying to "act" like everything is okay. But you know what? HE perseveres. HE gives US the strength to continue. HE is the reason we are strong. HE is the reason we keep on keeping on.

     Through all of this, never ONCE, not even for a split second, have I ever wished Liam wasn't my son. I suffered SEVEN miscarriages before God gave him to me, and I thank him EVERY night for my son. I honestly do. I have never even wished Liam wasn't autistic. I have however, wished there was a cure for Bipolar Disorder. BP makes his life hard. I sometimes wonder how he bears it. He's definitely a stronger person than I am!

    Throughout my journey I have met parents that want a cure for autism. That used to to make me angry. But I don't walk in their shoes. My son has ups and downs, but they aren't as severe as other kids. So I have no place to judge these parents. It's their life. It's their choice, or their child's choice and it isn't for me to decide. For us, autism isn't the hardest part of our lives. For us, it's the mental illness. That is what we have a problem with.

    When asked, Liam will tell you he wouldn't cure his autism. He will tell you he "likes how he thinks." But ask him if he'd cure his mental illness, and he won't hesitate to say YES!