Yesterday we were headed out for a BIG day! By big I mean, a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese for Liam's cousin. A few errands, and then over to my parent's house to celebrate my dad's birthday.
I had been prepping Liam for the last two days. Any earlier and he would have just perseverated on it so much, that school work would never have gotten done. I was mentally preparing myself as well. All that noise. All those kids. Other parents watching us. Judging us.
Would he behave? Would the noise be too much for him? For me? So many thoughts were swirling in my brain as I got dressed for the day.
I decided some makeup was in order since Liam didn't sleep at all the night before. Meaning, neither did I. I looked like death warmed over. As I looked in to the mirror to tidy up my nasty eyebrows, I saw something that pissed me off.....
I saw a wrinkle. My FIRST wrinkle! No way was this happening to me?!?!? I have been dealing with gray hairs since I turned 30, but wrinkles? Not wrinkles! This surely means I'm getting old.
I got as close as I could to the mirror, because I wasn't wearing my glasses. I'm as blind as a bat with out them. I was hoping that I was seeing things. I wasn't. There it was. Smack dab in between my eyebrows. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. And that's when I saw it.....
You can call me vain, you can call me what ever you want. But you also have to admit, that seeing that first wrinkle is a shock. If not, then you're not human. You should get that checked out, ya know?) I CAUSED THIS WRINKLE. I caused this blemish upon my very own face.
I digress. My wrinkle. I made it. Sure did. You see, I have what Pita calls "the resting bitch face." You all know what that is. The face that says, "Don't speak to me. Don't look at me. Walk away." I don't call this the RBF, I call it my "autism mom game face."
I wear this face in stores. I wear it at appointments and therapies with my son. I wear it at school meetings, (even if they are over the phone and can't see me. It make me feel more powerful.) I wear it where ever we happen to roam. I wear it because I'm tired of the stares. I'm tired of people shaking their heads over my son's behaviors. (his autistic behaviors, not his typical kid behaviors.) I'm tired of people assuming he's "bad," and people not minding their own business.
So you see, this face I wore like a badge, has in fact started ruining my face. My face pre Liam was always smiling. Smiling hides pain. Smiling makes others more comfortable. But my face post Liam is much different. NOT because I'm not happy, but because smiling makes people assume you care what they have to say. It makes them assume that you find life or a situation amusing. The RBF as pita calls it, tells people to piss off before they even have the chance to step on my last nerve.
It keeps people from giving me their opinions. It keeps them walking.
I reserve my smiles for the people who get it. The ones that give me that "knowing nod," and move on. The ones that offer me a smile, I always smile back. Or the parents who have the same AMGF (autism mom game face) I do, I smile at them. I want them to know that we're in the same "club," and I get it too.
Will this stop me from using my AMGF? Probably not. It's like my armor. I would rather have wrinkles, than have people talk to me, when Liam or I are having a rough time. Does it make me more conscious of it? Sure does. I have caught myself giving Pita that very face a few times today. I quickly adjusted it. Why cause more wrinkles because of him?? :P
I just wanted you to know that the internet is lying. I see memes all the time that say "Smiling gives you wrinkles, resting b!tch face keeps you pretty." THEY'RE LYING! RBF makes you wrinkly. It also makes you look grouchy! In my case, the latter works for me ;)