When I came upon this quote (Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz page 134) I stopped. Not my normal stop. (by that I mean, when I'm stressed or over tired, my OCD tells me I must read certain sentences 4 times. It sucks, and sometimes takes me forever to get through a book.) I digress. I stopped. This time I reread the sentence because it was resonating in my heart, NOT because my brain was being a jerk and messing with me.
Then it hit me. When Liam has his manic/depressive episodes, I don't write. I have to force myself to get on facebook. For a few reasons I guess.
One of which is, I shut myself off from the world. We exist in our own tumultuous vortex and leaving it at times like that is like, trying to free yourself from the grips of an F5 tornado.
Another reason is, though I love reading how my friends and family are doing, and I love seeing the fun times you're enjoying; when we are in that vortex, I don't want to see your happiness and sunshine. It makes our Hell seem much more harsh and cruel.
Not until the last time did I actually go on ALFL and ask for prayers. And something much more profound happened. YOU all reached out to ME, and you made the hurt, hurt a little less. Still, I couldn't bring myself to write about what was happening. I couldn't blog about it. I couldn't really even go into detail in a status update....
Up until I read that passage from Odd Thomas, I thought I was avoiding my blog because I didn't want to have to relive those tragic days. It was then that I realized, I was wrong. YES Pita, I said I was wrong.
And where I was wrong, Little Ozzie (well actually Dean Koontz since LO is fictional) was right. I know this because, when I was finally able to blog about Liam's manic/depressive episode, when I finally let it all out, it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.
I was no longer carrying that sad journey in my own heart. I opened up, and I shared it with the world. And it was enlightening!
NEVER again will I avoid my blog in a time of need. My blog is here to cleanse my body and mind from "psychological tumors." All the cruel happenings of this world. From all the wrongs. All the not fairs, and all the what ifs.
My best advice as a special needs mother?
Find an outlet. For you. For your child. Blog, write poetry, paint, sketch, compose music. It doesn't matter how you do it, what matters is that YOU DO IT.
You release the negative and your heart will feel so light!
Thanks Dean Koontz for putting my epiphany into such meaningful words!
<3 <3 <3 <3