Sometimes the Autism life is harder on me, than it is him.
When we got home from grocery shopping Liam couldn't wait to get back outside and "find friends." So much so, that he dumped the litter pan, and forgot to bring it in, because he saw "friends" walking by.
He came flying in, vibrating with excitement he yelled, "Momma, J and his cousin J are walking around. Can I go with them?" (they are 11 and 16, so I feel safe when Liam is with them.) I told him yes, and he beamed. He flew into his classroom/toy room, grabbed an old Halloween mask, slapped it on his face, kissed my cheek (twice as always) and flew out the front door.
I smiled to myself. Today seemed to be a good day. Though he was stimmy, talking a mile a minute, and ready to cry at the drop of a hat, the kids were accepting him. That makes it a great day.
Not 5 minutes later, Liam comes back in. Mask in hand, he yells, "Is A here?" I reply, "No. Why?" He said, "Because J told me A was here for me, and I should come play with him. So I came home!"
I stopped putting away the canned goods and walked into the living room. I could feel my face turning red. My ears were on fire. Apparently J and J didn't want Liam and his silly mask walking with them, so they told him A was here looking for him. To get rid of him.
I said, "Liam, you saw A up the road helping the neighbors, so you knew he wasn't here. Did they not want to walk with you?"
My heart is racing, my anger is rising....
Liam, nonchalantly says, "well, maybe," and goes back to looking at his Magic cards.
I paused for a few moments. I was choking back my tears. Why can't kids accept that he is different? Why can't they accept that different is OKAY.
My voice wavering I say to Liam, "well, when J comes over later to play Magic cards with you, tell him to go play with someone else." (I am tired of my son being jilted, and only good enough when these kids are bored.)
Liam looks at me puzzled and says, "No, Momma!"
I reply, "well, then, what will you say?"
Liam says with a big grin, "I will say, LET'S PLAY J!"
The innocence crushes my heart. I choke on my anger.
You see, I am the one bothered by Liam being turned away. It didn't bother him. He didn't care. He is just happy when a kid seeks him out. That is how kind, and how gentle his heart is.
I AM BLIGHTING MY CHILD!!!!
I am trying to harden his heart to this cruel world, and it's not right.
In an effort to keep him from being hurt, I am intervening with what is right for me, NOT for him. He ISN'T a "typical" kid, and sometimes I lose sight of that.
We all make mistakes. None of us are perfect. We all only want what is best for our kiddos. Sometimes we don't always know what that is. Sometimes, we are wrong.
<3 <3 <3 <3