I wish you understood me.
When you yell at me because I can't make phone calls, my heart shrivels a little.
When you nag me about getting my license back, my pride ebbs away.
When you get angry because I don't want people over, it embarrasses me.
When you tell me I'm lazy because I am too tired to get out of my chair, it angers me.
I wish you could understand why I am the way I am. I wish you "got it."
Let me help you try.
I don't like to leave the house because I feel safe here.
I don't like to go to other people's homes because I feel out of place, like I don't belong.
I don't like to go out in public alone. It makes me very nervous. I feel a million eyes on me, and it makes my skin crawl.
Answering the phone, and not knowing who is on the other end, makes my heart race and my palms sweat, and a sense of panic rolls over me. I am often at a loss as when to speak, and I fear I will cut someone off and make them angry. I sometimes take over the conversation and then I feel they think I am selfish and rude.
Making phone calls is almost as bad. My brain gets wonky and I forget what I need to say. If I write it down before hand, I can often psyche myself up and make the call, but even that takes a toll on my nerves.
My mouth lacks a filter and sometimes I spew forth things that I shouldn't say. I can't help it. I don't mean it. I am honest to the point of hurting others and that makes me feel bad. I am often afraid to speak. Sometimes when I do, and I hear it coming out of my mouth, I shrink a little. I know that I just offended someone and I know I can't take that back.
I don't want my license. I know when I get it back and you have a bad day, you will expect me to run errands on my own, and I know my nerves can't handle that.
Sometimes being social is like work. I know you don't get that because you are a social butterfly. I am a "hide in the corner and hope no one notices me" person. I would love to be invisible.
I don't want to move out of my comfort zone. I like it here. My bubble is safe.
My friends live in my computer because I don't have to face them. I can hide behind my screen, but be my real self, and I don't feel judged. If I type something wrong, I can edit it, or even delete it, and I feel safer that way. I don't have to look them in the face, and I don't have to feel their eyes on me.
I know this may sound ludicrous, but this is my struggle. Everyday. I wish you got it. I wish you knew.
I wish my shoes fit you, so that for one day, you could experience the world, through my eyes.