Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Lazy or numb...

  I have barely blogged in months. I can't quite decide if it's because I'm lazy or just numb. I say lazy because I am always so damn tired.  Keeping up with Liam, life, PAUSE, and the Legion has me mentally exhausted. Having a chronic illness sucks the life out you in so many ways. Too many to take the time to list. I have had to prioritize our life so much more in the past months. This means, that my blog has suffered the most because well, not that many people read it anyway. :)

  I started this blog as a way for me to vent. Apparently I was annoying people a few years ago, when I was using my facebook page (personal one) to talk about Autism. Now I could care less, but that is how this blog was born. I vent much less now. Sometimes I vent on ALFL or on RHoA if I am using my more colorful language. But the deep, heartfelt vents are few and far between lately. I think I am numb.

"My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And have a hangover "

  I mean, of course I have a heart. Wouldn't be alive if I didn't. But I have been closing it off from the world a lot in the last six months, maybe even longer than that. I haven't been letting myself feel. I have become hard. I have become numb. Not because of anyone or any one thing, in particular. Because I am tired. I am fed up. I am afraid that if I let myself feel, I will lose it. I will lock myself in a room and I will ugly cry. Probably for days. Let's face it: "Ain't Nobody Got Time For Dat!"

"Sit in the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up"

  I don't want to feel that pain. I don't want to cry. I want to keep it inside and ignore it. It has nothing to do with Liam. Or Autism. It has everything to do with myself. My constant pain and fatigue. Being broke and knowing there is not a damn thing I myself, can do about it. It's about realizing that yep, our life is hard as hell sometimes, but who am I to whine. There are people out there who have it a hell of a lot worse. We have a home. We have a family. We have love. There are people who have NONE of that. So I chose to suck it up, and keep on, keeping on.

"I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone,
But I have a light
the day is done,
I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or Maybe just happy"
  I sometimes feel I shouldn't refer to myself as a "blogger," let alone a "writer," because I barely do either. But dammit, I like the sound of that so much more than "disabled,"  "housewife," "maid," and so on.  No, I didn't go to college. I graduated high school, got married, made a ton of mistakes, taught myself how to tattoo and then after YEARS of hard work I became a tattoo artist. I can't even do that any more because I can't sit in one place that long. I can't bend hardly at all. My hands go numb after holding my machine for longer than 10 minutes. I can't draw anymore either and I LOVED to paint and draw. So, being on my laptop and writing or creating digital art is the only creativity I am left with any more. God, would you believe I am 34 and not 74!!! (I feel the latter though.)

  So for all this and more, I am now going to refer to myself as "A Lazy, Numb, Sometimes Blogger..." Because at least that way I am being truthful ;)

"Think I'm just happy ,
Think I'm just happy ,
Think I'm just happy ."

                                                                  <3 <3 <3 <3

Song Lyrics belong to Nirvana, written by Kurt Cobain

1 comment:

  1. While our pain is different, our disabilities too, I do know how you feel. I am happier now that I have accepted this, but partly numb. I block things out most of the time. Today I barely was able to get up, but I did and feel better for it. I love you and can't stand it, we are too young for all of this! Onward and upward is all we can do for ourselves and everyone else .