Saturday, September 21, 2013

Tired of fighting

  Once again, just when things seem to be going well, and all is seeming to be right with the world, the proverbial rug is pulled from under our feet. It's sucks. It sucks bad! It's easier to ignore it and pretend it isn't going to happen. But I can't. I can't sit back and act like it won't be hell for my boy. I can't act like it won't phase him because it will.

  Why does my boy have to endure such shit? In his 7 and half years, we have been on one hell of a roller coaster ride. I know, I know. It could be much worse. I get that, I do. But dammit, for once I am going to let it hurt. I am going to admit that this sucks, so damn bad it's not even funny.

  Liam's BSC told me today that his TSS is being transferred to another client. Meaning Liam will be getting a new one. Do these places really know about Autism???? If so, don't they know how hard change is for our kids? Don't they know our kids thrive when they get paired with someone and click? My child has a disabled dad. So for him, having a male TSS that can do man things with him was a God send. The many things his dad can't do, Mr. M does. They ride bikes, go for walks, go fishing. The list goes on. Nothing against women therapists, but Liam is a man's man, and this isn't going to be easy.

  My heart aches today. Every time I look at him it breaks. This is the boy that counts down the days to Mr. M's time to come. He waits by the door like a puppy when it gets close to his arrival time on his days. If Mr. M is x amount of minutes late, Liam tells him straight away that he must stay x amount of minutes later. (he's a stickler for time!)  Liam also loves his BSC, don't get me wrong. I am thankful he isn't losing both. But I am angry as hell he has to lose Mr. M.

  We all know how hard transitions are for our kids. And yes, I know, once in "the real world" he will have to deal with transition and disappointment. I know this. But dammit, he was finally used to Mr. M and letting him see the real Liam. And now he will be leaving. Liam's BSC is going to work on a social story for him. I am thinking of ways to lessen the blow and help him cope. I got nothin.' I can already feel his pain.

 Being a parent is the most rewarding AND upsetting job ever. It's good, it's bad, it's ugly, it's beautiful.  It's so hard seeing your child hurt and not be able to take that away. It's like ripping a bandage off a hairy leg very slowly. Or what I imagine a Brazilian wax to feel like. It hurts like hell!!!!

  Hubs wants to call first thing on Monday to plead our case. I don't think it will help. They have to do what they have to do. I guess it's worth a try though. I have no issue going mama bear when it comes to my boy.  I'm not gonna lie though, sometimes I get tired of fighting. It seems that as a special needs parent, every time we turn around we are having to fight for something for our children. It sucks.....

                                                                         <3 <3 <3 <3

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Lazy or numb...

  I have barely blogged in months. I can't quite decide if it's because I'm lazy or just numb. I say lazy because I am always so damn tired.  Keeping up with Liam, life, PAUSE, and the Legion has me mentally exhausted. Having a chronic illness sucks the life out you in so many ways. Too many to take the time to list. I have had to prioritize our life so much more in the past months. This means, that my blog has suffered the most because well, not that many people read it anyway. :)

  I started this blog as a way for me to vent. Apparently I was annoying people a few years ago, when I was using my facebook page (personal one) to talk about Autism. Now I could care less, but that is how this blog was born. I vent much less now. Sometimes I vent on ALFL or on RHoA if I am using my more colorful language. But the deep, heartfelt vents are few and far between lately. I think I am numb.

"My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And have a hangover "

  I mean, of course I have a heart. Wouldn't be alive if I didn't. But I have been closing it off from the world a lot in the last six months, maybe even longer than that. I haven't been letting myself feel. I have become hard. I have become numb. Not because of anyone or any one thing, in particular. Because I am tired. I am fed up. I am afraid that if I let myself feel, I will lose it. I will lock myself in a room and I will ugly cry. Probably for days. Let's face it: "Ain't Nobody Got Time For Dat!"

"Sit in the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up"

  I don't want to feel that pain. I don't want to cry. I want to keep it inside and ignore it. It has nothing to do with Liam. Or Autism. It has everything to do with myself. My constant pain and fatigue. Being broke and knowing there is not a damn thing I myself, can do about it. It's about realizing that yep, our life is hard as hell sometimes, but who am I to whine. There are people out there who have it a hell of a lot worse. We have a home. We have a family. We have love. There are people who have NONE of that. So I chose to suck it up, and keep on, keeping on.

"I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone,
But I have a light
the day is done,
I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or Maybe just happy"
  I sometimes feel I shouldn't refer to myself as a "blogger," let alone a "writer," because I barely do either. But dammit, I like the sound of that so much more than "disabled,"  "housewife," "maid," and so on.  No, I didn't go to college. I graduated high school, got married, made a ton of mistakes, taught myself how to tattoo and then after YEARS of hard work I became a tattoo artist. I can't even do that any more because I can't sit in one place that long. I can't bend hardly at all. My hands go numb after holding my machine for longer than 10 minutes. I can't draw anymore either and I LOVED to paint and draw. So, being on my laptop and writing or creating digital art is the only creativity I am left with any more. God, would you believe I am 34 and not 74!!! (I feel the latter though.)

  So for all this and more, I am now going to refer to myself as "A Lazy, Numb, Sometimes Blogger..." Because at least that way I am being truthful ;)

"Think I'm just happy ,
Think I'm just happy ,
Think I'm just happy ."

                                                                  <3 <3 <3 <3

Song Lyrics belong to Nirvana, written by Kurt Cobain

Monday, September 9, 2013

Monday, Monday.....

Ahh Monday......................... (Cue music from the mamas and the papas)

 When all the kiddos go back to school. No more in and out of everyone's kids tramping through my house. No more feeding and giving drinks out to all the kids. No more breaking up fights and figuring out who said and did what. No more wanting to choke parents for letting their kids act like jerks and treat my son like crap while also letting them disrespect us when we put them in their place. (Funny because they are the first parents to complain when their child is sent home for bad behavior, yet they are also the parents who are never around to see this behavior) No more listening to Liam cry because so and so said this, and so and so did that.

You know, no matter how many times we tell Liam to not play with certain kids, he always forgives and often forgets and plays with them anyway. He has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. I enjoy our days together when all of these said children are In school. When I hear the bus in the afternoon my stomach burns and my hearts sinks because I know that it's only a matter of time until something crappy happens.

Yet he insists on playing with them and I can't shelter him from ignorance all his life. I need to teach him right from wrong and how he can be a better person. But you know, help from other parents in the way they are rearing their kids would help. STOP covering up for them. STOP acting like they do no wrong. STOP letting them disrespect adults and bully other children and act like that is okay. You are raising our future. What you do now sticks with them later. You're not doing them any damn favors. 

My son is by no means perfect and I laugh when I hear ignorant neighbors say I think my kid does no wrong. When my kid is wrong he is punished and dealt with accordingly, which is what you should be doing with your kid. Instead you choose to be their friend and so let them do whatever they damn well please. Is it wrong that I sit back and wait for that to blow up in your face????

It's not like it was when we were kids. Your child is going to threaten to kill the wrong person and will a)result in CPS investigations and school expulsions or b)juvenile delinquent charges. When this happens don't look for sympathy here. Hubs and I have been trying to get through to all of you and your kids for the last 5 years. You choose not to listen. You choose not to make your kids listen. Sad really. Part of me feels bad that you don't care enough about your children to make them mind. Part of me feels bad for every child like my son who they mistreat. Part of me is waiting for another child to put them in their place. Hey, I'm  only human. I can only sit back and nurture my son's broken heart and shattered ego because of your child so many times, without growing bitter to you all.

The worst offenders have been told they are no longer welcome here, as have their parents. I also laugh when one parent in particular told her child he's not allowed around mine or our home. Why? Are you afraid he may actually be taught right from wrong, and how to respect other human beings? I am sitting here smirking because these are the people this post targets, and they will never read it. Not because I am hiding it, but because they don't care. The parents that care, like you and I, are the parents that read stuff like this. The parents that get it. The parents that don't let their children, special needs or not, be jerks to other children, special needs or not. We are the parents that are raising our futures right. To that I say, I admire you all! To the rest, you have my pity. I pray my son doesn't read about your child being in jail some day. I pray my son isn't your child's boss some day. I pray my son can always forgive and forget and NEVER treat your child the way you let yours treat my son.....
                                                                        ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥